Apology

I didn’t mean to throw it away. It was symbolic for how I felt.

Tossed aside. As if it meant absolutely nothing, when I think we both know that was not true.

I could never throw you away.

I could never “clap my hands” and be done with it

Oh, if I could take that gesture back

When I was with you, you made me feel so safe

Like you’d been protecting my body for years, does that come naturally to you?

I wanted to do that for you too, to you, protect your heart, make you feel safe with me, like you deserve to be

It was special. Well, you said it, it was beautiful

It was

And I’m so sorry

That when you pulled away I did too.

I couldn’t stick around.

I couldn’t feel that limbo feeling.

In trying to show you I was strong

I left the genuine place and went somewhere else

Somewhere I didn’t recognize, and I stopped recognizing you, too.

All of the purity that we experienced

When we were together, it reminded me of two 6-year olds

Holding hands, each with a secret crush, on the other

The way you would look at me

I know that was real

Did you doubt my loyalty?

Did I make you feel there might be someone else?

There couldn’t be

I felt you didn’t believe me. Maybe you thought I would find someone to replace you quickly

Or that I could easily move on

I wouldn’t be

Without you, I was missing a chemical reaction, or a spark

Strangely I felt like half, where before I’d felt like a whole.

If I saw you today, I would tell you I’m sorry

Too.

You deserve an apology from me.